a few days ago, a friend of mine told me that he always thought that i was 'asexual' - so interested in career that romance and matters of the heart would be of no importance to me. besides being a little surprising, these remarks really struck some nostalgic chords.
what happened almost 2 years ago seems like a dream. thank goodness for gmail sent-mail, since i have a written account of what i was emailing my friends in edmonton from when i was in china:
"...The ironic thing is, that when I first met here 4 months ago she hardly took my breath away - she was just another face at work. Even a month ago, after we had interacted much more, my feelings for here were not that strong - I merely had the sense that perhaps we had the potential to get along. Since then, however, I can only say that with every passing day spent in her company I have fallen for her a little more. The more time I have spent with her, the more I plumbed the depths of her character and person (to the extent that that can be done in a month), the more I began to appreciate her..."
"... hours flew by, as we joked about things as absurd as unicorns and made weird animal noises, discussed the latest developments in international relations, or dived into the world of religion and philosophy and spirituality. But even when no words passed between us, there was no awkwardness or boredom in the silence. The comfort and relaxation and satisfaction I felt in her company covered all our interactions, from inane chatter to the warmth of holding hands to watching BBC international to cooking up a storm..."
"...So we are confronted with what are essentially insurmountable logistical challenges - I am going back to Canada to start medical school, a process that will last the next 9 years, while she is going to stay in China..."
"...I think we will cherish the next few weeks that we have with one another as best that we can. It would be nice if things could go on longer, if circumstances were different, but I suppose you play with the hand that you are dealt. I will endeavor to enjoy the time we have and not cling to the memories after we part ways. So do I regret what I have done, getting to know her in spite of knowing the ending before even the beginning was written? I know that saying goodbye will be sad, but I think, hope that this is more than offset by meeting someone I connected so well with and who has taught me so much..."
well, things lasted a bit longer that i thought they would, and i fell a bit harder than i thought i would. i recall thinking i would give up anything to make things last: i would have thrown away every single friendship (and i value friendships very highly), to make things last; i was even contemplating throwing away the idealism that drives most of what i do too. it is astounding the degree to which rationality can be subsumed by emotion and passion.
_______________
it's almost 2010, and while i am technically 2 years older i feel so much younger. in beijing, it was as if i had a taste of what grown-up life is like; now, i am back to being a kid. but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. i feel as if there is something to be cherished from every different environment you find yourself living in.
so here i am, a 'baby asian' (my ex's nickname for me) once more. the future will come - in the meanwhile, it's good to savor the present.
Monday 21 December 2009
Saturday 19 December 2009
an imperfect offering
i'm not much for exchanging gifts over the christmas holidays, but i was very fortunate to receive the book 'an imperfect offering' from lillian (thanks lillian!). the book tracks the experiences of james orbinski, former head of of msf (aka doctors without borders) and his experiences - from somalia in the early 1990s as government and order disintegrated into anarchy to rwanda during the genocide when over a million tutsis were systematically, efficiently, and brutally exterminated over just 14 weeks; from founding the msf campaign for essential medicines initiative that dramatically brought down the prices of life-saving medications to accepting the nobel peace prize on behalf of msf for their humanitarian efforts.
i was so engrossed in the book that i finished reading it by this morning. christmas is usually overflowing with mirth and merriment, but this book was anything but - it was filled with tales of despair, suffering, and more than anything else, death. yet in the midst of its horrors, i felt that a message of hope resounded strongly. this was the story of one man's unshakeable struggle against overwhelming injustices. and at the end of it all, decades after he began his career, it is clear that while injustices remains and needless suffering persists, it is just as clear that HE TRULY MADE A DIFFERENCE.
towards the end of the novel, he writes about optimism and hope: "optimism is the expecation, based on the evidence at hand, that there is a reasonable chance of a good outcome. hope, on the other hand, is the certainty that a given action is right, that it "makes sense, regardless of how the situation might turn out."
how priviliged i am to be able to study medicine, a career that should not about career stability, good lifestyle, or power and prestige, but that is, at its essence, about improving the lot of my fellow man. how priviliged i am to believe in God, someone i can turn to for light no matter how bleak the world becomes.
this christmas, i will be thankful, and i will be hopeful.
towards the end of the novel, he writes about optimism and hope: "optimism is the expecation, based on the evidence at hand, that there is a reasonable chance of a good outcome. hope, on the other hand, is the certainty that a given action is right, that it "makes sense, regardless of how the situation might turn out."
how priviliged i am to be able to study medicine, a career that should not about career stability, good lifestyle, or power and prestige, but that is, at its essence, about improving the lot of my fellow man. how priviliged i am to believe in God, someone i can turn to for light no matter how bleak the world becomes.
this christmas, i will be thankful, and i will be hopeful.
Sunday 13 December 2009
social psychology on how to save the world
From... http://outside.away.com/outside/culture/200912/nicholas-kristof-philanthropy-advice-1.html
Lessons from social psychology suggest that:
"If one lesson is the need to emphasize hopefulness, the second is that storytelling needs to focus on an individual, not a group."
"One experiment found that people are quite willing to pay for a water-treatment facility to save 4,500 lives in a refugee camp with 11,000 people in it, but they are much less willing to pay for the same facility to save 4,500 lives when the refugee camp is said to have 250,000 inhabitants. In effect, what matters is saving a high proportion of people, not just a large number of lives."
"In each case, research subjects were quite willing to help and donated generously either to Rokia or to Moussa (for argument's sake, two hungry children). But when people were asked to donate to Rokia and Moussa together, with their photographs side by side, donations decreased. Slovic found that our empathy begins to fade when the number of victims reaches just two. As he puts it: "The more who die, the less we care."
what FASCINATING stuff! if ever there was a reason not be sad about the state of the world, this would be it! and in reality, a little bit would really go a long, long way - the challenge of providing basic needs for all is far from insurmountable
let's shed those heavy boots forever :)
Lessons from social psychology suggest that:
"If one lesson is the need to emphasize hopefulness, the second is that storytelling needs to focus on an individual, not a group."
"One experiment found that people are quite willing to pay for a water-treatment facility to save 4,500 lives in a refugee camp with 11,000 people in it, but they are much less willing to pay for the same facility to save 4,500 lives when the refugee camp is said to have 250,000 inhabitants. In effect, what matters is saving a high proportion of people, not just a large number of lives."
"In each case, research subjects were quite willing to help and donated generously either to Rokia or to Moussa (for argument's sake, two hungry children). But when people were asked to donate to Rokia and Moussa together, with their photographs side by side, donations decreased. Slovic found that our empathy begins to fade when the number of victims reaches just two. As he puts it: "The more who die, the less we care."
what FASCINATING stuff! if ever there was a reason not be sad about the state of the world, this would be it! and in reality, a little bit would really go a long, long way - the challenge of providing basic needs for all is far from insurmountable
let's shed those heavy boots forever :)
Saturday 12 December 2009
i <3 alliteration
i have been feeling a bit down as of late: perhaps it's my nasty family history of depression rumbling, general jadedness about the human condition, being diagnosed with arthritis and AS, who knows.
whatever the reason - no more! as lillian put very it very correctly last night, there is so much to be grateful for. and what's the point of being heavy boots? it certainly doesn't do yourself, the people around you, or the world at large any good. so, let the festivities reign this christmas season. nothing like the end of school, impending yuletide cheer, and the return of faraways to herald happy halcyon hours.
whatever the reason - no more! as lillian put very it very correctly last night, there is so much to be grateful for. and what's the point of being heavy boots? it certainly doesn't do yourself, the people around you, or the world at large any good. so, let the festivities reign this christmas season. nothing like the end of school, impending yuletide cheer, and the return of faraways to herald happy halcyon hours.
friends
last night two fun things happened - i had a chance to see one of my best friend's, howard, freshly returned from mit for the christmas holidays, and there was an absolutely fabulous karaoke party at at charles's place.
since september, i have definitely been spending more time with my medical school classmates - but let's backtrack a bit...
a little more than a year ago, when i started medical school, i was a mess. i could tell that my relationship was slowly disintegrating into oblivion and while i had pined to come home for years, more recently i was pining not to come back to edmonton (too much elitism, timothy, sigh). luckily, my close friends were all still in edmonton, and it really was a treat being back with them. and so, a little more than a year ago, i didn't much reach out to my classmates - because i wasn't sure what to make about being at alberta, and because i wanted to cherish whatever time i had left with my closest friends.
this past summer, four of my best friends moved away - one to vancouver, one to boston, one to hong kong, and one to croatia, the four corners of the world so to speak. i was sad to see them leave, but perhaps not that sad since i had gotten used to saying goodbye to good friends,. i didn't really expect this, but with the free time i had on my hands i began spending more time with my classmates; while this has been refreshing, enlightening, and enjoyable, i often find myself asking what is the nature of friendships?
what i'm trying to get at is that even though i value friendship so strongly, even though (i think) i try very hard to keep in contact with the friends around me, it seems almost inevitable that they disperse and leave. and when friends do leave things do change, no matter what the idealists will have you believe . all these relationships - they seem so transitory sometimes.
which doesn't mean they shouldn't be enjoyed!! life's pleasures seem so fleeting sometimes :(
since september, i have definitely been spending more time with my medical school classmates - but let's backtrack a bit...
a little more than a year ago, when i started medical school, i was a mess. i could tell that my relationship was slowly disintegrating into oblivion and while i had pined to come home for years, more recently i was pining not to come back to edmonton (too much elitism, timothy, sigh). luckily, my close friends were all still in edmonton, and it really was a treat being back with them. and so, a little more than a year ago, i didn't much reach out to my classmates - because i wasn't sure what to make about being at alberta, and because i wanted to cherish whatever time i had left with my closest friends.
this past summer, four of my best friends moved away - one to vancouver, one to boston, one to hong kong, and one to croatia, the four corners of the world so to speak. i was sad to see them leave, but perhaps not that sad since i had gotten used to saying goodbye to good friends,. i didn't really expect this, but with the free time i had on my hands i began spending more time with my classmates; while this has been refreshing, enlightening, and enjoyable, i often find myself asking what is the nature of friendships?
what i'm trying to get at is that even though i value friendship so strongly, even though (i think) i try very hard to keep in contact with the friends around me, it seems almost inevitable that they disperse and leave. and when friends do leave things do change, no matter what the idealists will have you believe . all these relationships - they seem so transitory sometimes.
which doesn't mean they shouldn't be enjoyed!! life's pleasures seem so fleeting sometimes :(
Monday 7 December 2009
24
two dozen years. i suppose that is a bit of a milestone. in commemoration of my birthday (oh yes, self-aggrandizement for the win), i have compiled a list of 24 random tidbits [and pardon the delay in posting, it's been hard to put this together]
- trying new and different things and lifestyles can be enjoyable and expand one's horizons, but an ounce of caution is often warranted
- good shoes are warranted if you are going to run long distances
- there is a class of drug that decreases mortality in heart failure in African-Americans (not in whites, not in Asians, etc...) - hydralazine/nitrates
- singing can be so very, very fun
- sometimes the things we value are fleeting - it is important to enjoy them nevertheless
- as cute and cuddly as the platypus might look, it's venom is powerful enough to drop a grown man and cause him to writhe in pain - never trust those monotremes
- best song ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTa8U0Wa0q8
- there's nothing quite like being home for christmas
- the united states only spend 7 cents per day per person on its human spaceflight program - we'll need to do a bit better if we're ever going to get to mars
- wouldn't it be nice if everyone loved everyone?
- if you want to talk in a british accent - remember the long o - as in when you say 'gone' - and remember the short o - as in when you say 'hot'
- china is an economist's heaven: sustained gdp growth of ~10% annually for almost 30 years, an absolutely precedented feat that has brought more people out of poverty than probably every aid agency and ngo put together
- jia's sayings: Meow! Friend-pat! Purrrrrrr! Hugbot! Lovebot!
- if i could go anywhere in the world, it would be jerusalem
- sadness is woven into the tapestry of life: it's something you can't run away from and it's something that defines the human experience
- bill gates is a pauper compared to john d. rockefeller of standard oil fame - he was worth around $318 billion in today's currency
- i think it is sad that society equates christianity with close-mindedness, hypocrisy, and being judgemental
- how is it that in recent polls the wildrose alliance blew the progressive conservatives out of the water? for shame alberta - why is it the wealthier we become, the more regressive we want our governments to be :(
- pikachu may be cute and cuddly, but i'd rather a dragonite anyday - hyperbeam ftw!
- we should donate more of our money to the needy - what is a new tv compared to food and water for a starving family?
- "But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song/ It's for people like you that keep it turned on"
- kfc is yumtacular
- edmonton, often underrated, as
- thank you - friends and family - for being with me over these 24 years
Sunday 6 December 2009
children's stories and love songs
what i love about children's stories and love songs is that they always have a happy ending. tonight, on my car ride home from south edmonton common i sang through half of bsb's millennium album with my friends.
oh how happy that made me feel! the world can sometimes be a dark place, but love songs and children's stories never will be.
oh how happy that made me feel! the world can sometimes be a dark place, but love songs and children's stories never will be.
apathy/hypocrisy
i haven't made a post in quite a while - i didn't feel as if i had anything to really post about. but, thoughts have been swirling in my mind, the night is yet young, and song's from backsteet boy's millennium is playing in the background - a perfect storm for blogging.
this post is about apathy. that and hypocrisy.
some background first - beneath all the friend-pats, unicorn love, and cat sounds, a rather more serious jia lurks. i feel profoundly passionate about issues related to poverty, particularly in a developing country setting where it is so often crippling that the most basic of human needs are unsatisfied. in the western world, we always espouse values like justice, equality, and equal opportunity, yet most of us stand by and do nothing as poverty grinds down these values and grinds down human life as if they were nothing. do we not understand that a person in africa is the same as a person in canada? they have friends they care for, families they love, and aspirations they dream towards - they are human beings, as much as you who are reading this blog is a human being, and they deserve a right to life as much as we do. what i find particularly horrendous is that we have more than enough resources to end poverty. many experts believe we could meet the millennium development goals if rich countries contributed a mere 0.7% of their GDP as aid to developing countries.
and yet we do not do this. we stand idly by as thousands upon millions die needless deaths. this is society's apathy.
_______________________________
but what right do i have to pontificate? if i look at my life, am i doing much more than the people i disparage in the above paragraph? is my life really that different? i am not leading a movement, heading an ngo, raising awareness for critical issues. instead i am in medical school, ostensibly to increase my capacity to make a difference in the future so that i am not someone who is 100% good intentions and 0% capacity. but perhaps i am just rationalizing away a desire for wealth and security in a cloud of false idealism. ultimately, if i ask myself 'what have you done?', i can only say 'very little'. i have been particularly critical of christian people (including my christian friends) in regards to how little they seem to care about these issues. the bible is absolutely rife with commands to show love to the poor, and yet over and over again i find that it is my non-christian friends who care more about making the world a better place than my christian ones. but as i pause to think, and once again ask myself "what have you done?", again i can only say 'very little'.
there is a rather fitting bible verse for this (Matthew 7:3)
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
if i care so much, and yet do so little, i am far guiltier than someone who doesn't care at all. this is my hypocrisy.
if only i could be more like jesus
this post is about apathy. that and hypocrisy.
some background first - beneath all the friend-pats, unicorn love, and cat sounds, a rather more serious jia lurks. i feel profoundly passionate about issues related to poverty, particularly in a developing country setting where it is so often crippling that the most basic of human needs are unsatisfied. in the western world, we always espouse values like justice, equality, and equal opportunity, yet most of us stand by and do nothing as poverty grinds down these values and grinds down human life as if they were nothing. do we not understand that a person in africa is the same as a person in canada? they have friends they care for, families they love, and aspirations they dream towards - they are human beings, as much as you who are reading this blog is a human being, and they deserve a right to life as much as we do. what i find particularly horrendous is that we have more than enough resources to end poverty. many experts believe we could meet the millennium development goals if rich countries contributed a mere 0.7% of their GDP as aid to developing countries.
and yet we do not do this. we stand idly by as thousands upon millions die needless deaths. this is society's apathy.
_______________________________
but what right do i have to pontificate? if i look at my life, am i doing much more than the people i disparage in the above paragraph? is my life really that different? i am not leading a movement, heading an ngo, raising awareness for critical issues. instead i am in medical school, ostensibly to increase my capacity to make a difference in the future so that i am not someone who is 100% good intentions and 0% capacity. but perhaps i am just rationalizing away a desire for wealth and security in a cloud of false idealism. ultimately, if i ask myself 'what have you done?', i can only say 'very little'. i have been particularly critical of christian people (including my christian friends) in regards to how little they seem to care about these issues. the bible is absolutely rife with commands to show love to the poor, and yet over and over again i find that it is my non-christian friends who care more about making the world a better place than my christian ones. but as i pause to think, and once again ask myself "what have you done?", again i can only say 'very little'.
there is a rather fitting bible verse for this (Matthew 7:3)
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
if i care so much, and yet do so little, i am far guiltier than someone who doesn't care at all. this is my hypocrisy.
if only i could be more like jesus
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