''whoever saves one life, saves the world entire"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPHvLtitxug&feature=related
the most moving ending i have ever seen
Thursday 8 April 2010
Tuesday 6 April 2010
illness
lately i have been thinking about my seronegative spondyloarthropathy:
april is blossoming, and it's been well over a month that i haven't been able to function properly. over the course of the last 12 months, i have probably been dysfunctional in some way, shape or form, for at least 3. my right elbow and my left knee have been affected, and many of the springtime pursuits i have cherished in the past remain beyond me. i want to walk and enjoy the beatuiful weather that is all around us. i want to bike, feel the wind in my face, explore the trails with my friends. i want to play squash again (admittedly not a season-dependent sport, but still hugely enjoyable). i remember when i used to run many times a week, looking forwards to the sunday morning half-marathon training runs that gave me my first glimpses of the depth of the beauty of edmonton's maze of river valley trails.
everytime i think i'm about to get better, things get worse again. i've been on my new medication for 4 weeks now, and if anything, things have been worse since i've started. this has been taxing on my mind, as i feel my hope for a cure fades a little more with each flare-up. i know this is probably irrational but i'm losing my grip by bits. i hate being weak. i feel the world has no room for weakness. again, i know this isn't true, but again, i feel the rationality slowly slipping away. but who can i help like this? again, being irrational. i don't really need to be that physically functional to work in policy etc. etc. but surely it dampens my effectiveness. i find that is very troubling. it's like there's something you really, really want to do, something you think is relatively good-spirited and noble, and then something happens to derail you. again, irrational - not derailed, just slowed down a bit. i feel like such a lame (pun!) even for writing this, since if i can aknowledge my irrationality, and am posting it anyway, isn't that clearly a sign of poor mental fortitude?
i also think about why. well, as you have certinaly learned in medical school, the type of arthritis i have is multifactorial in its etiology, associated with HLA-B27 and various other autoimmune conditions, associated with some set of environmental? circumstances, associated, associated. but 'why' in the grander cosmic sense of things. my mind, like your mind, certainly pines towards a cosmic moral order. again, irrationality - even amongst religious folk, i can see no weave that screams of karma on the fabric of reality. but you and me believe it anyway. what have i done wrong? i have a sinking suspicion that my motivations, my aspirations, have been impure. i toy with the idea that whatever darkness zings in my mind, invisible to the outside observer but blatantly obvious to god almight in heaven, has in some way made me deserving of this.
the last thing i feel is guilt. I AM SO LUCKY. what i have is nothing. nothing compared to a childhood cancer that will rob you of your limb and life. nothing compared to someone who has this condition in a poorer setting, where physical labor is demanded daily to feed onself and where drugs don't exist. i am guilty. of telling my parents they stress me out and that i would feel better living on my own when day-in-day-out all they have done is care for me. of even posting this and hoping that someone comes along and reads it and values my attempt at some semblance of genuine honesty. i am guilty of being an 'emo', the sort of person people scoff and scorn at.
these are my thoughts. what an imagination i have.
april is blossoming, and it's been well over a month that i haven't been able to function properly. over the course of the last 12 months, i have probably been dysfunctional in some way, shape or form, for at least 3. my right elbow and my left knee have been affected, and many of the springtime pursuits i have cherished in the past remain beyond me. i want to walk and enjoy the beatuiful weather that is all around us. i want to bike, feel the wind in my face, explore the trails with my friends. i want to play squash again (admittedly not a season-dependent sport, but still hugely enjoyable). i remember when i used to run many times a week, looking forwards to the sunday morning half-marathon training runs that gave me my first glimpses of the depth of the beauty of edmonton's maze of river valley trails.
everytime i think i'm about to get better, things get worse again. i've been on my new medication for 4 weeks now, and if anything, things have been worse since i've started. this has been taxing on my mind, as i feel my hope for a cure fades a little more with each flare-up. i know this is probably irrational but i'm losing my grip by bits. i hate being weak. i feel the world has no room for weakness. again, i know this isn't true, but again, i feel the rationality slowly slipping away. but who can i help like this? again, being irrational. i don't really need to be that physically functional to work in policy etc. etc. but surely it dampens my effectiveness. i find that is very troubling. it's like there's something you really, really want to do, something you think is relatively good-spirited and noble, and then something happens to derail you. again, irrational - not derailed, just slowed down a bit. i feel like such a lame (pun!) even for writing this, since if i can aknowledge my irrationality, and am posting it anyway, isn't that clearly a sign of poor mental fortitude?
i also think about why. well, as you have certinaly learned in medical school, the type of arthritis i have is multifactorial in its etiology, associated with HLA-B27 and various other autoimmune conditions, associated with some set of environmental? circumstances, associated, associated. but 'why' in the grander cosmic sense of things. my mind, like your mind, certainly pines towards a cosmic moral order. again, irrationality - even amongst religious folk, i can see no weave that screams of karma on the fabric of reality. but you and me believe it anyway. what have i done wrong? i have a sinking suspicion that my motivations, my aspirations, have been impure. i toy with the idea that whatever darkness zings in my mind, invisible to the outside observer but blatantly obvious to god almight in heaven, has in some way made me deserving of this.
the last thing i feel is guilt. I AM SO LUCKY. what i have is nothing. nothing compared to a childhood cancer that will rob you of your limb and life. nothing compared to someone who has this condition in a poorer setting, where physical labor is demanded daily to feed onself and where drugs don't exist. i am guilty. of telling my parents they stress me out and that i would feel better living on my own when day-in-day-out all they have done is care for me. of even posting this and hoping that someone comes along and reads it and values my attempt at some semblance of genuine honesty. i am guilty of being an 'emo', the sort of person people scoff and scorn at.
these are my thoughts. what an imagination i have.
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