self-assessment

when i look back on my life over these past 5 years, how i was home and left and came home again, how this statement seems to run true. in the summer before i left for harvard, i made a bit of a commitment to try to stay as close to my friends from home as possible. what an exhilarating summer that was - the prospect of adventure, and glory on the horizon and the promises of relationships that would not recede.

alas, when i arrived in cambridge i was struck with a wretched home-sickness that, as far as i could tell, outstripped what any of my other friends had felt when they left. nostalgia - the word is a portmanteau of the greek words nostos (homecoming) and algia (pain) - a deep pain felt when recalling the past, one's home. unlike many other people who travel and leave, i was not blessed with a strong sense of adventure; i would much sooner spend my vacation time with friends and family in deadmonton rather than gallavant to far-away and exotic locales.

and so what did i do but squander my education by pining for home and squander my summers by coming back to edmonton while my friends did wonderful things. i met some very bright people at harvard, and when i first got there i was quite intimidated by my classmates. eventually, i did find a bit of a niche and managed to score a 3.99/4.00 on the economics honor exam that everyone in the class takes in the senior year. this isn't to say i was exceptionally bright by any stretch of the imagination, but i wasn't an idiot either and feel i could have done so much more. i could have done so much, but i chose to be with my friends. so perhaps squander isn't the right word to use. what i did was make a choice. a choice that has been richly, richly rewarding, but also a choice i would change if i could turn back time.

you see, i feel that enjoying my life at home with the people i love would be a bit selfish in a world where so many people even survive for want of basic needs. friends, relationships - important, vital even, but still a bit of a luxury. am i being a little dramatic? of course i am, but this is what i have to tell myself to change my underlying instincts, which is is to tend towards friends, home and comfort.

so when a friend of mine who came back this winter from his studies abroad told me about how he was desperately missing his home and his family and his friends, i wanted to tell him STOP - don't be weak like me and give up on your dreams so soon. of course, the nuances are different from mine and ultimately i want him to be happy, however that looks.

after a couple years, i managed to mostly rid myself of my deep-seated nostalgia. a round of medical school interviews, but again i somehow managed to sabotage myself - this time because i was, i think, deeply affected by a relationship and was contemplating not even doing medical school at all and moving to china to be with her.

and so here i am. one of the funny things about life is how even when we don't necessarily get what we want, things can turn out for the better. this doesn't always happen, but it happens enough to throw a wrench in our most intricately thought-out plans. i cannot say that what has happened has not been for the best - i am happy here at home, with the people i love. i have been blessed by rich and numerous relationships with people have helped me grow, that i have helped grow, that i care deeply for, and that deeply care for me. how nice it would be to be like one of my church friends and form roots here and always have your friends and family around you. but to me, this is selfish. and i will continue to tell myself it is selfish until i no longer want this sort of life. because there is so much that needs to be done, and i don't think, for me at least, that these things can be done here.

ultimately, determination is the best predictor for realizing one's goals; even if i'm not sure if things would be better had i taken a different path, i sincerely believe that failing in one's resolve in the long-run will certainly lead to failure.

another friend of mine asked me over the holidays how he really enjoyed the people both in his original home and his new home in edmonton, and how he wasn't sure how to choose between the two, and how he wished he could have the people from both. what i was thinking was that this was impossible. the choices we make in life cause us to gain one thing and lose another. my friend, he will eventually choose to live in one place, and most likely relationships from the other place will atrophy. i will leave, and as hard as i will try to prevent it my relationships at home will atrophy.

but that's okay, since we are at least blessed with the opportunity to make the choices in our lives.