Saturday, 3 July 2010
an oppressively hot and muggy 4th of july in hong kong, tempered by the life-saving air conditioning; feeling of sadness, uncertainty, and regret leave me feeling, for whatever reason, light-headed; i am so sorry, but words and thoughts seem so empty since they cannot undo deeds; life is what it is, for good and for ill; what will things be like, 6 months from now, i muse
Monday, 28 June 2010
vegetables
for quite a long time, i've wanted to be a vegetarian, or at least reduce my meat consumption form the currently exorbitantly high levels to normal, dietician-recommended levels. now why would an almost carnivore like myself want to do this? upon much pondering, i've come up with three reasons
1) Health - generally, eating heaps of vegetables is healthier than eating heaps of meat, both in terms of reduced sodium (and I do have some mild hypertension, due either to poor eating habits or secondary to my daily dose of NSAIDs) as well as fat
2) Environment - meat is REALLY REALLY bad for the environment. It takes thousands of liters of water to produced just a kilo of beef, and while cow seems to be the most egregious culprit, rest assured vegetables always leave a smaller footprint.
3) Ethics - sometimes i wonder if a thousand years from now, humanity will look back and say that the people of this generation were barbaric for eating animals that clearly can suffer and feel pain. at the moment, such thinking is probably concerned crazy for non-PETA members, but i've read enough sci fi (haha, geek i know), particlarly a book called K-Pax (good read!) that i wonder. another way of looking at it - if we've got heaps of laws preventing cruelty to animals (most often domestic animals), how is it at all okay to kill cows and pigs and chickens by the thousand? is there not some sort of deep moral incongruence there?
now, i've tried to hop on the veggie-train in the past, but this has usually ended in me going to the deli and buying a pound of cold cuts and just gobbling it down within a week. i'm not sure if my self-control has improved much at all since then, but let this post be some sort of declaration of affirmed effort - when i return from china, i will look into how to convert to at least semi-vegatarianism.
so wish me luck - i'll definitely need it. it's like someone trying to quit smoking, but i don't think they have anything that i could parallel to a nicotine patch :P
1) Health - generally, eating heaps of vegetables is healthier than eating heaps of meat, both in terms of reduced sodium (and I do have some mild hypertension, due either to poor eating habits or secondary to my daily dose of NSAIDs) as well as fat
2) Environment - meat is REALLY REALLY bad for the environment. It takes thousands of liters of water to produced just a kilo of beef, and while cow seems to be the most egregious culprit, rest assured vegetables always leave a smaller footprint.
3) Ethics - sometimes i wonder if a thousand years from now, humanity will look back and say that the people of this generation were barbaric for eating animals that clearly can suffer and feel pain. at the moment, such thinking is probably concerned crazy for non-PETA members, but i've read enough sci fi (haha, geek i know), particlarly a book called K-Pax (good read!) that i wonder. another way of looking at it - if we've got heaps of laws preventing cruelty to animals (most often domestic animals), how is it at all okay to kill cows and pigs and chickens by the thousand? is there not some sort of deep moral incongruence there?
now, i've tried to hop on the veggie-train in the past, but this has usually ended in me going to the deli and buying a pound of cold cuts and just gobbling it down within a week. i'm not sure if my self-control has improved much at all since then, but let this post be some sort of declaration of affirmed effort - when i return from china, i will look into how to convert to at least semi-vegatarianism.
so wish me luck - i'll definitely need it. it's like someone trying to quit smoking, but i don't think they have anything that i could parallel to a nicotine patch :P
Sunday, 6 June 2010
transience
last night we went to mahak's in lusaka, an indian food restaurant, to commemorate the departure of one of the young women who live on our floor at the nusring hostels. i had only ran into her a few times during the week that i've been here, and there were a few people there whom we had just met earler in the day visiting the museum. this happens frequently when i travel and live briefly in a new place. relationships come into existence quickly, they spark brightly, and the almost always fade utterly. perhaps our paths will cross again, but more likely than not they never will.
prior to mahak's, i skyped with a good friend of mine for almost two hours. we were lamenting about the difficulty of forging lasting relationships in a cauldron of instability. i remarked that a more effective strategy would be to learn to better live in the moment - to find random flings rather than to seek true love, so to speak. not something i find satisfying, by any means, but perhaps it is something i could grow to appreciate?
i feel that dynamism is so important, but at some point you can change so much that you begin to lose the core of who you are. so... i find it difficult to appreciate both these transient relationships and the longer-lasting ones, since they seem to be so different.
prior to mahak's, i skyped with a good friend of mine for almost two hours. we were lamenting about the difficulty of forging lasting relationships in a cauldron of instability. i remarked that a more effective strategy would be to learn to better live in the moment - to find random flings rather than to seek true love, so to speak. not something i find satisfying, by any means, but perhaps it is something i could grow to appreciate?
i feel that dynamism is so important, but at some point you can change so much that you begin to lose the core of who you are. so... i find it difficult to appreciate both these transient relationships and the longer-lasting ones, since they seem to be so different.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
expat living
there are quite a few internet cafes in lusaka, but there is one i like going to in particular - la mimosa cafe - largely on account of the fact that it has the fastest, most reliable connection i've been able to find. the biggest problem is that the place is about 70 minutes away by walking or 20,000 Kwacha away by cab ($4).
i usually opt for my walking, and boy-oh-boy what a relief it is to be able to walk again, courtesy of Schering-Plough's biologics. anyway, on today's walk i chose a different route from usual and along the waysaw a number of rather nice-looking, well-to-do homes - in stark contrast to the slums that populate the city and even my relatively cushy nursing student dorms.
i've generally noticed two things:
1) many expats living in zambia and other developing countries are here doing some sort of humanitarin work
2) many expats tend to seek a mode of living that emulates their life at home as much as possible
by 2), i mean that expats will tend to live in houses that are quite posh by local standards, frequent the expat establishments (i stand guilty, la mimosa is certainly one of those), employ helpers (cook, maid, chauffeur), etc... etc...
now, i'm personally as guilty of anyone as wanting a nice clean place, warm showers (or any showers for that matter), and a home generally devoid of bugs. somehow though, i feel that it's a tad more egregious to live a western-style life in the midst of great poverty than in a place like riverbend or millwoods. i remember last year when i was in zambia i ran into a british doctor who actively sought to live in the slums - something that i thought was fairly insane even by the standards of craziest bleeding heart liberals. now, i personally wouldn't go so far as to want to live in the slums, but living in a really pretty place out here sits somewhat uneasily with me.
i guess this all boils down to the concept of how much material sacrifice is ideal.
____________
on an utterly unrelated note, the air here smells really nice. there's this hint of smoke that permeates through everything. i'm not sure what gives the air this flavor, but it seems particularly nice breathing it in as i sit out here in the open under the nighttime sky.
i usually opt for my walking, and boy-oh-boy what a relief it is to be able to walk again, courtesy of Schering-Plough's biologics. anyway, on today's walk i chose a different route from usual and along the waysaw a number of rather nice-looking, well-to-do homes - in stark contrast to the slums that populate the city and even my relatively cushy nursing student dorms.
i've generally noticed two things:
1) many expats living in zambia and other developing countries are here doing some sort of humanitarin work
2) many expats tend to seek a mode of living that emulates their life at home as much as possible
by 2), i mean that expats will tend to live in houses that are quite posh by local standards, frequent the expat establishments (i stand guilty, la mimosa is certainly one of those), employ helpers (cook, maid, chauffeur), etc... etc...
now, i'm personally as guilty of anyone as wanting a nice clean place, warm showers (or any showers for that matter), and a home generally devoid of bugs. somehow though, i feel that it's a tad more egregious to live a western-style life in the midst of great poverty than in a place like riverbend or millwoods. i remember last year when i was in zambia i ran into a british doctor who actively sought to live in the slums - something that i thought was fairly insane even by the standards of craziest bleeding heart liberals. now, i personally wouldn't go so far as to want to live in the slums, but living in a really pretty place out here sits somewhat uneasily with me.
i guess this all boils down to the concept of how much material sacrifice is ideal.
____________
on an utterly unrelated note, the air here smells really nice. there's this hint of smoke that permeates through everything. i'm not sure what gives the air this flavor, but it seems particularly nice breathing it in as i sit out here in the open under the nighttime sky.
Thursday, 8 April 2010
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
illness
lately i have been thinking about my seronegative spondyloarthropathy:
april is blossoming, and it's been well over a month that i haven't been able to function properly. over the course of the last 12 months, i have probably been dysfunctional in some way, shape or form, for at least 3. my right elbow and my left knee have been affected, and many of the springtime pursuits i have cherished in the past remain beyond me. i want to walk and enjoy the beatuiful weather that is all around us. i want to bike, feel the wind in my face, explore the trails with my friends. i want to play squash again (admittedly not a season-dependent sport, but still hugely enjoyable). i remember when i used to run many times a week, looking forwards to the sunday morning half-marathon training runs that gave me my first glimpses of the depth of the beauty of edmonton's maze of river valley trails.
everytime i think i'm about to get better, things get worse again. i've been on my new medication for 4 weeks now, and if anything, things have been worse since i've started. this has been taxing on my mind, as i feel my hope for a cure fades a little more with each flare-up. i know this is probably irrational but i'm losing my grip by bits. i hate being weak. i feel the world has no room for weakness. again, i know this isn't true, but again, i feel the rationality slowly slipping away. but who can i help like this? again, being irrational. i don't really need to be that physically functional to work in policy etc. etc. but surely it dampens my effectiveness. i find that is very troubling. it's like there's something you really, really want to do, something you think is relatively good-spirited and noble, and then something happens to derail you. again, irrational - not derailed, just slowed down a bit. i feel like such a lame (pun!) even for writing this, since if i can aknowledge my irrationality, and am posting it anyway, isn't that clearly a sign of poor mental fortitude?
i also think about why. well, as you have certinaly learned in medical school, the type of arthritis i have is multifactorial in its etiology, associated with HLA-B27 and various other autoimmune conditions, associated with some set of environmental? circumstances, associated, associated. but 'why' in the grander cosmic sense of things. my mind, like your mind, certainly pines towards a cosmic moral order. again, irrationality - even amongst religious folk, i can see no weave that screams of karma on the fabric of reality. but you and me believe it anyway. what have i done wrong? i have a sinking suspicion that my motivations, my aspirations, have been impure. i toy with the idea that whatever darkness zings in my mind, invisible to the outside observer but blatantly obvious to god almight in heaven, has in some way made me deserving of this.
the last thing i feel is guilt. I AM SO LUCKY. what i have is nothing. nothing compared to a childhood cancer that will rob you of your limb and life. nothing compared to someone who has this condition in a poorer setting, where physical labor is demanded daily to feed onself and where drugs don't exist. i am guilty. of telling my parents they stress me out and that i would feel better living on my own when day-in-day-out all they have done is care for me. of even posting this and hoping that someone comes along and reads it and values my attempt at some semblance of genuine honesty. i am guilty of being an 'emo', the sort of person people scoff and scorn at.
these are my thoughts. what an imagination i have.
april is blossoming, and it's been well over a month that i haven't been able to function properly. over the course of the last 12 months, i have probably been dysfunctional in some way, shape or form, for at least 3. my right elbow and my left knee have been affected, and many of the springtime pursuits i have cherished in the past remain beyond me. i want to walk and enjoy the beatuiful weather that is all around us. i want to bike, feel the wind in my face, explore the trails with my friends. i want to play squash again (admittedly not a season-dependent sport, but still hugely enjoyable). i remember when i used to run many times a week, looking forwards to the sunday morning half-marathon training runs that gave me my first glimpses of the depth of the beauty of edmonton's maze of river valley trails.
everytime i think i'm about to get better, things get worse again. i've been on my new medication for 4 weeks now, and if anything, things have been worse since i've started. this has been taxing on my mind, as i feel my hope for a cure fades a little more with each flare-up. i know this is probably irrational but i'm losing my grip by bits. i hate being weak. i feel the world has no room for weakness. again, i know this isn't true, but again, i feel the rationality slowly slipping away. but who can i help like this? again, being irrational. i don't really need to be that physically functional to work in policy etc. etc. but surely it dampens my effectiveness. i find that is very troubling. it's like there's something you really, really want to do, something you think is relatively good-spirited and noble, and then something happens to derail you. again, irrational - not derailed, just slowed down a bit. i feel like such a lame (pun!) even for writing this, since if i can aknowledge my irrationality, and am posting it anyway, isn't that clearly a sign of poor mental fortitude?
i also think about why. well, as you have certinaly learned in medical school, the type of arthritis i have is multifactorial in its etiology, associated with HLA-B27 and various other autoimmune conditions, associated with some set of environmental? circumstances, associated, associated. but 'why' in the grander cosmic sense of things. my mind, like your mind, certainly pines towards a cosmic moral order. again, irrationality - even amongst religious folk, i can see no weave that screams of karma on the fabric of reality. but you and me believe it anyway. what have i done wrong? i have a sinking suspicion that my motivations, my aspirations, have been impure. i toy with the idea that whatever darkness zings in my mind, invisible to the outside observer but blatantly obvious to god almight in heaven, has in some way made me deserving of this.
the last thing i feel is guilt. I AM SO LUCKY. what i have is nothing. nothing compared to a childhood cancer that will rob you of your limb and life. nothing compared to someone who has this condition in a poorer setting, where physical labor is demanded daily to feed onself and where drugs don't exist. i am guilty. of telling my parents they stress me out and that i would feel better living on my own when day-in-day-out all they have done is care for me. of even posting this and hoping that someone comes along and reads it and values my attempt at some semblance of genuine honesty. i am guilty of being an 'emo', the sort of person people scoff and scorn at.
these are my thoughts. what an imagination i have.
Monday, 29 March 2010
oncology applied to life
borrowed from my amigo Joey:
I think we have a lot to learn from cancer.
Someday, I hope humans learn to break the gates holding them back from growth. Whether we perceive ourselves to be ready or not (we are ready), we will push ahead and realize our dreams. We will discard anyone saying we cannot, make use of our own resources, grow our own so that we may thrive. We will take the path of most resistance and push it aside and blaze our own trail.
It will be chaotic and some roads wind upon each other, the misfortunes of a charging crash of rhinos that cannot see what is more than a few feet in front of them. We have our goal in mind but not a clue what it looks like, only the raw desire to make it happen. I think that it will be well worth it in the end when we circumvent that which prevents us from falling, which wants to keep us sequestered to our suburban lifestyles, the mechanisms of life that say we cannot when our mantra should quite classically be yes we can.
So fellow cancers, let us be the tumor that offsets the diseases that plague this world. Proliferate.
I think we have a lot to learn from cancer.
Someday, I hope humans learn to break the gates holding them back from growth. Whether we perceive ourselves to be ready or not (we are ready), we will push ahead and realize our dreams. We will discard anyone saying we cannot, make use of our own resources, grow our own so that we may thrive. We will take the path of most resistance and push it aside and blaze our own trail.
It will be chaotic and some roads wind upon each other, the misfortunes of a charging crash of rhinos that cannot see what is more than a few feet in front of them. We have our goal in mind but not a clue what it looks like, only the raw desire to make it happen. I think that it will be well worth it in the end when we circumvent that which prevents us from falling, which wants to keep us sequestered to our suburban lifestyles, the mechanisms of life that say we cannot when our mantra should quite classically be yes we can.
So fellow cancers, let us be the tumor that offsets the diseases that plague this world. Proliferate.
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